Internet Network Security Articles

Spam Spasms & Spamocidal Mania

By Linda Cox

Below is a letter I wrote to the following organizations:

S.H.U. (Spam-Haters Unanimous)

N.A.A.P.W.H.S. (National Association for the Advancement of
People Who Hate Spam)

P.W.H.P.W.D.H.S. (People Who Hate People Who Don't Hate
Spam)

P.F.W.S.H.I.A.L.C. (People for Whom Spam-Hating is a
Lifestyle Choice)

S.A.P.W.R.R.R.H.S. (Society for the Advancement of People
Who Really Really Really Hate Spam)

P.W.H.S.S.M.I.M.L.W.S.C.O.T.E. (People Who Hate Spam So Much
It Makes Little Wisps of Steam Come Out of Their Ears)

And, of course: Spam Haters In The Business of Internet
Resource Directory Services.

DEAR FELLOW SPAM HATERS,

I'm writing to suggest that we combine forces in order to
present a common front in our righteous war on unsolicited
commercial email:

Spam!

I suggest we disband the myriad sites and organizations now
opposing unsolicited commercial email in order to form a
single, unified organization:

The Spammish Inquisition!

And I further suggest we elect me, Linda Cox, as our leader.
Our Grand Inquisatrix!

WHAT ARE MY QUALIFICATIONS?

You think YOU hate spam? You don't even know what hate is!

I hate spam so much that I... well, just a LOT! That's how
much!

If I hated spam any more than I already do, I think my head
would burst into flames and spin like a top! Can you say
that?

Don't think so.

I don't mean to say that I don't hate other things, too,
like pedophiles and Nazis and that drunk guy who backed over
my cat when I was seven.

But spam... hooboy!

SQUISH 'EM LIKE BUGS!

I believe we should have a constitutional amendment allowing
cruel and unusual punishment in the case of spammers. Maybe
that tummy thing like the Japanese do when they get
depressed.

As with drugs, mere possession of bulk emailing software
should result in the immediate confiscation of the computer
it was on, as well as any nice clothes, jewelry, or lawn
statuary that might have been purchased with spam profits.

Just thinking about sending spam should be illegal, like
joking about bombs in an airport. If I get to be Grand
Inquisatrix, I'll have my own force of men-in-black dudes to
sniff out spamsters and be really mean to them and call them
names until they promise to be good little Netizens again.

It's for their own good.

IN CLOSING...

Having looked at the Websites of some of the anti-spam
crusaders, I know that I am not alone in my revulsion,
disgust and utter skin-crawling contempt for spam.

Like them, I have turned a blind-eye to more mundane
problems like hunger, illiteracy, disease, country music and
poverty so as to focus on the true menace plaguing our
cyber-society.

If you wish to support my crusade, you may do so by sending
me $99, and as a free gift I'll send you a CD with the email
addresses of 40 million Netizens eagerly awaiting news of
your latest product or service.

About the Author

Linda Cox (J.A.M.G.) was born in a speeding stagecoach amid
the screams of fellow passengers as insane, wild-eyed horses
dragged them all crashing toward the brink of destruction.
That stagecoach was the planet Earth, those passengers were
the human race, and Linda Cox is Just Another Marketing
Guru. (The horses were just regular horses.)
http://www.LindaCox.com/

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